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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Appreciation of a rootbeer float

It has been pretty icky around my spirit this week. All weekend I dealt with estate stuff from my dad's. Actually, we all did. Then I had a temporary crown put on Monday that wouldn't take, so I was in the chair for over 2 hours. Then yesterday, Mr. Bec was sick with runny runny diapers and throwing up. My sis stopped by after work and by that point I was sobbing. Man, I'm tearing up writing this.

We talked and I told her how hard it was on Sunday to be around dad's stuff. I told her about my sadness, my anger, my guilt, my regrets. How I feel horrible. How sometimes it feels like I will never feel better in the core of myself. Her response surprized me. She told me that she was glad that I finally felt all of this. She said that she and my brother J had a talk about me and were in wonder at how I seemed to not really be afftected by any of this, even years back. Yes, I appeared sad, but not devastated like the rest of us.

So, I guess I'm ready to live like the walking heartbroken. My turn to cry at absolutely nothing. My thoughts have been weird. I start to think of horrible things, barring something happening to the kids. And then I think, guess what, horrible is watching your dad suffer. Watching your young handsome father, die in front of you. It was horrible and I think that it is starting to hit me.

My mom has been very sick these past couple of weeks. Symptoms almost identical to my dad's, although we know she doesn't have cancer. It has flooded me with memories and with dread and with wanting to run away. My dad's birthday is this month. I've been thinking that I want to be someone else. That's weird for me.

But, today I had a rootbeer float that made me feel like there are little things that are still good. A creamy, cold, rootbeer float made my day today. And I could appreciate it too. Throughout this grief, I'll keep those tiny things in mind.


Melissa said...

I had something really profound to say after reading this....and then Ella interrupted me with a chorus of "mommymommymommymommymommymommymommy" getting progressively louder. And I forgot.

I'm glad you have your sibs to talk to---it sounds like they're looking out for you.

The fact that you CAN find joy in a Root Beer float seems like a really good sign to me. NOt that things aren't going to be hard to muddle through and deal with, but that deep down, your light is still there!

LOve to you----lets get a date set to "do lunch"...K?

(was it with A&W rb??? that's my fav!)

KrayonKel said...

I agree with Mrs. Melissa. I think it is good that you are finding joy in things around you.

I liked what you said about the walking heartbroken. I hope this doesn't sound morbid, but I think you haven't really lived if you haven't experienced heartbreak. I mean, BOY DOES IT SUCK! And there is NO WAY I would recommend it or go looking for more, but you know, heart break makes you love more. Just think how you reached out to me when the "Coward" (as I like to call him) broke it off with me. :) I felt so loved, and I knew you understood because you had been there. And for me... it made my heart hurt a bit less because I knew there are others out there who love me.

So Karianne-- I love you, girlfriend! And your hubby and munchkins ADORE you! That doesn't make the heartbreak go away, but it does bring joy to remember and celebrate that.

I hope I made sense. ;)

Katiefucious said...

Today when we got home from visiting my Grandfather, I told the furkids that we were going bye-bye, they hopped in the car with me, and we went to the local ice cream parlor and got vanilla ice cream cones.

I don't think I've ever seen two dogs so happy before in my life.

I suppose I am trying to be more like them. Live in the moment, not dwell on the past or worry about the future because there is nothing I can do to change it. There is only here, and now, and my actions, my choices, my deeds.

I'm not sure it's the right path, but the dogs seem happy. :)

Thinking of You.

3 Beauties said...

You can't doubt the healing powers of ice cream and root beer. There are allllllll sorts of cliches running around in my head, but really they don't help much. So just keep the ice cream and root beer handy, stock up on the tissues, and know that it will be ok someday. Maybe not today, not tomorrow, but someday you won't cry at the cartoons your children are watching....;)

Until then, I'll join the fabulous group of ladies you have gathering around you to say you are great and can do this! My eyes and ears are here for you should you need them.

(Thank or blame Kelly for all my words here ;)

Carrie said...

My heart is aching for you and the place that you are in right now. Grief is definitely a journey. I think every single person goes through all of the steps, but seldom in the same order as someone else also grieving. It's definitely a journey, that's for sure. Not a fun one either.

I'm glad you had a rootbeer float - those are so yummy. Nothing like food or retail therapy to cheer someone, eh?

I'm thinking of you.