Of all of this has been having to tell Ivy what is going on. She hasn't wanted to see nana, but she is here at the house with all of us from time to time. Seeing those little eyes tear up once she caught on to what was happening is something that I never want to see again.
The next day, she came to me and told me about a dream she had that was bad. She said that she was going to Paris, but wasn't sure how she was going to get there. She was also saying goodbye to her friends Daniel and Francisco and she kept crying and telling them how much she would miss them. It's really interesting to see how she is processing all of this.
For myself, I haven't dreamt at all about any of this. I really haven't slept that much or that deeply. It's funny to me how different this is from my dad's passing. My dad felt so wrong, but this feels very right. I was so drugged up when my dad was dying because I couldn't feel. I wanted to cry but couldn't . So to get past all of that I would try to relax my body, to let myself let out my emotions.
Just tonight Chris asked me how long it has been since I've had a drink. It's been weeks due to that horrible kidney infection. No pain pills for days now. But this time, I just cry. And cry freely and openly and it feels so healthy to grieve and say goodbye. And be sad. Really sad.