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Saturday, March 20, 2010

I've been uncertain before

but I think that my Nana is letting go of this life. She has now moved into my mom's house and I rarely see her out of her room.

I spoke with her last week while she was waiting to be moved into her room at my mom's. She had spent the weekend at my aunt's house and before that was in the hospital for a few days for swelling due to congestive heart failure. If she was up and moving, her meds would be able to keep up. But all she wants to do is rest.

My other aunt is here from CA. My uncle is here from Olympia. When I saw them all at my mom's, I just felt like this is getting close to the end. In her room, she sleeps and it's dark. Her O2 machine sounds like a ventilator. I FREAKED out. I went to my mom and asked if she wasn't telling me something. She said no, that everyone is just here for a visit and she wasn't keeping anything from me. When I went to talk to my sister, Landi just looked at me and said, "Sis, she is ready. You need to prepare for that. Mom and Aunt aren't ready yet." I think that she was telling me that they are denying this stage. She also said that she could be like this for years. She said that since my aunt is still taking a vacation next week, that is a good sign.

I took Hendrix there today. I crawled in bed with her and held her. I had my face over her head so she couldn't see me cry. She said, "So pretty, pretty pretty. What a pretty girl. So warm. You are so warm." She then asked for Hendrix. I let my mom take him in to her. She laughed and touched him and told him what a great, handsome baby his is. I couldn't watch that part. I just stood in the kitchen.

A line from the movie Little Women keeps running through my head. It's the part when Jo returns home to see Beth. Meg tells her, "You will find her much altered." That is exactly how I feel.

My mom, aunt and Uncle told me that she has been on her best behavior today. That her day has been really good. I asked them if she had cussed at anyone. They said no. That was when I got really worried. She is such a spitfire. She looks just so tired. But her skin still looks amazing! I'll tell her that tomorrow. She will love that.


Katie said...

I'm so sorry. That's awful, but it's good that you are all able to be there with her and for her. Love you.

Mrs. Inqvist said...

Karianne it will be three years on Tuesday since my mom died at the age of 72 and I miss her every minute of every day. I so cherish the last three weeks with her and those are probably some of the best memories I have with her. We had such a wonderful time together and we laughed and we cried. Enjoy every moment of your time with your Grandma. God will take her home when he is ready and she will be ready then too. Keep seeing her and keep bringing the kids with they need to see the life those little ones are full of. (((Hugs))) to you sweetie. I am here for you anytime.