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Thursday, July 23, 2009

wondering.

Us at one of my cousin's concerts
tonight I feel in a wondering mood. I actually texted Chris, "Are you happy being married to me?" He texted back, "extremely". I then texted, "would you be this happy if I wasn't the mother of your children?" He texted back, "absolutely". A bit later he texted, "Are you happy with me?" "I texted back, "more than I ever thought that I could be. and not bcuz we are married or bcuz of our kids, but bcuz of who you are."

Tonight we had friends visiting from across the country. Longtime friends. They are new parents. Chris is very close with the husband, they have known each other for decades. When I saw them together as a new family, I was so impressed. I started to think about the woman (T) that our friend used to be with. She seemed wonderful, but continually disappointed in our friend. She wanted more. Wanted him to be different, even though she knew him before they started dating. But when they did start to date, she changed. She stopped partying and having fun. Started to "grow up". And pretty much was a complete drag to be around. She was like a box cutter. He was the box.
One night, after all of us thought that an engagement was around the corner, he invited her to dinner and broke up with her. We were all stunned.
Next, he started to date a woman (L) that was very different from the woman he had broken up with. Not who we would have thought he would choose. But goodness, she was nice. And kind. And in love with him. As he was. They married. They moved. They had their careers. And now they have the baby.
Their love has grown. They are the same people that they were from before they married. Their respect and contentment with each other just shine through. I had a flash while I was visiting with them at what a huge difference it would be if I would have been sitting with (T) and our friend and a baby that they had had. It would have been torture. I think for everyone.
After they left, I texted my sister and said, "I ADORE (L). I'm so happy that he dumped (T) way back when."
It is a stark comparison to what Chris and I have been experiencing with my inlaws and their new baby the past couple of weeks. They honestly do not like each other. The resentment and bitterness is almost palpable. So much disrespect for all involved. And it is so sad. I know that I don't know the future, but I see a very rough road for them. No one is happy with anything. And they were like this in the beginning of their relationship. So much unappreciation from every angle. To be with them makes me sad.
Which turns the mirror to my own marriage. Part of me is totally shocked that we lasted this long. Our first years were very tenuous. Now, part of me can't imagine either of us without the other.
You all know that I go to therapy once a week. Partly because I am so scared to lose sight of "Karianne". It's hard to see only "wife", "mother", and all of the other labels. Not that I'm not proud of those labels, but what about my core? My soul? What makes me, me? As I go through these ideas during our sessions, I am more and more convinced that a lot of life is the luck of the draw. And how lucky that Chris and I have found some level of compatibility to raise this family the best that we know how.
In my first marriage, all was well for a very long time. And then my ex got a very impressive promotion that I was very against him taking. When he took the position, I had him promise me three things. Within the first year, all 3 promises were broken. Mostly, what hurt the most was how he wanted me to change as he changed. With his increasing professionalism, he became ashamed of me. Who I was. What I did for a living. How I dressed. My extremeness in my opinions for my life. Looking back, I don't hold this against him. He just wanted to see how far he could go in his career, which actually turned out to be very far. It was a hurt that he needed to heal from his past. And I couldn't go along on the ride being who I was. I just couldn't be who he wanted me to be. And to this day, I joke that he traded me in for a Porsche. And that is the truth.
I don't know where this post is going. Just that I wanted to ramble on for a while. That I love myself, my husband, my kids and my job. And I hope everyday that it continues.

4 comments:

alisonwonderland said...

I enjoyed reading your ramblings. I'm so happy to feel your sense of contentment at being where you're at and doing what you're doing. Thanks for sharing!

Mrs. Inqvist said...

You two are beautiful people inside and out. I've never even met you but feel like you are very much role models for other married couples. Shawn and I have been married for 18 years and he is truly my best friend. We've had our ups and downs. We've struggled with fertility. We've struggled financially. But at the end of every day we go to bed happy and completely in love with each other. We too are well on our way to a life time of happiness. It's great to share the road with you.

Catherine said...

Beautifully written. I love you, Karianne!

Melissa said...

K...this was so sweet to read. I think I felt a contentment through your words. I get what you were saying about your friend and what his life might have looked like had he chosen differently. I feel very aware of "relationships" right now in my life. Not just romantic, but all relationships and how they can really help indivduals blossom or wither.....

Much love to you and Chris...you are beautiful people---in the "eye candy" sort of way, but also in the "nougat in the middle" way too.