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Saturday, March 14, 2009

Not as far as I thought

I belong to Netflix. I joined towards the end of my pregnancy with H because I knew that there were some cold movie watching months in my future. This last disc that I got was the pilot episode for "Dead Like Me".

I remember when I put this in my queue, I thought to myself that there was no way that I could have watched this show about modern day Grim Reapers a couple of years ago. My dad's death was way too close and I still felt very raw and sensitive to anything surrounding death.

Today I tried to watch the episode. And I did fine, kind of. I had to turn it off. When they started dividing up the reasons for dying, I just couldn't take it anymore. When I was watching, I kept thinking, "This is hard for me. It would have been much harder last year." And, this is supposed to be a comedy. Not funny for me yet.

Then tonight I decided to check up on some blogs that I randomly read here and there. I felt this urge to read Clusterfook by Lisa who has cancer. Kind of an overwhelming urge. And logged in to find out that she had died. Early 40s. 2 young daughters and a husband. I'm sad.

I keep thinking about when I stopped checking Lisa's blog. I remember that it was around Christmas time and she was writing about this being her last holidays with her family. I remember thinking that it was all so depressing and I just couldn't read anymore.

Tonight I feel guilty for that. I wish that I would have commented. I wish that I would have been able to write my support while she decided to end treatment and entered hospice. But I didn't. I mean, here I am, able to turn my head away from cancer. Lucky me. But I couldn't even read the daily musings of a stranger yet. Needless to say, I haven't healed as much as I thought.


adventures north said...

Oh my goodness. How tragic.

Carrie said...

Healing is a journey. It takes time. As with an actual wound, there are stages. Unfortunately, even when it's a bit scabbed over, it can still be broken very easily. Be easy on yourself. She had support. You were with her in spirit. There will be other times when it will be your time to support. Right now, the support is for YOU. Hugs!

KrayonKel said...

I agree with Carrie. You have come a long way. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Love you, chica!