Surprize Pregnancy Blog

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Sunday, October 26, 2008

A day of joy and sorrow

My first "baby", my nephew Jack had his 16th birthday party today. Bec and I just got home from the festivities. When the party started at 3, Ivy and I went while Bec was sleeping and Chris stayed home with him. Then, around 5 Ivy had a no nap breakdown where I took her home to Chris, then returned to the party with Becken.

My sister had a dvd slideshow made of Jack's life. Starting out with his ultrasound picture. You can only imagine the tears flowing through the whole thing along with a ton of laughs. Where does the time go? He was so difficult as a little one, very much like Ivy was, serious and demanding. But he has become so sweet and just a great kid all around.

While watching the slide show, there were many pics of my dad and Jack when he was little. The room just got silent every time my dad's form came on the screen. It was honestly like getting kicked. I'm crying when I write this.

Selfishly, I am so jealous. Ivy has maybe a handful of pics with my dad. Bec and Hendrix never will. Sometimes the rage I feel at losing him is so strong. I feel myself becoming judgemental and mean and bitter. Every day I am thankful that I have so much. But no matter what I have, the gifts that I can't even count, there is always a huge void of love that I will never have again. When I look at the hole in my life, I feel unfairness and hatred. A hole that will never be filled with love again.

And so, I love my family. I love my kids. I love Jackson being 16. I love being surprisingly pregnant. But I hurt. And I miss my dad. I miss what should be.


Carrie said...

*huge hugs* The bittersweet feeling is definitely normal.

Sometimes I look at my kids and can't help but feel overwhelmingly blessed they get to be with my mom (since I don't know what her future holds), and look at my siblings and wish so hard that their kids get the same blessing of experiencing their Meme.

So while I don't know exactly what you're feeling, I can understand a small amount.

I'm thinking of you.

Melissa said...

Thinking of you K. I can only imagine the hurt and the longing to have your daddy back. Love to you!

Catherine said...

Oh Karianne. I'm sorry, sweetie. It's just not fair. It's not. And I'm sorry. I love you.