This week, my little daughter turned 5. And for the first time in her life, I feel like time has went quickly. From birth to around 3 years old, I felt like she should have been at least 7 years old as I felt that our time together had been so long. The intensity of our relationship could not be contained in that space of only days, weeks, months and 2 years old. It was just too much.
This year, when she woke to her birthday, her anticipation and happiness were whole. She was finally 5. When she was 3, she refused to get any older. Being 4 scared her. She just wanted to stay little. And I told her that she could stay 3 as long as she wanted to. But then, she began to change her mind, thinking that getting older was a thing that she wanted to do. Just today, after a whole 3 days of being 5, she declared that she wished she was 6. I told her, "ok, Ivy, then be 6". She said, "Mama, I just want to be all of the numbers." And I told her that she would be. I told her that my Nana is 90 and she got to be all of the numbers from being a baby in her mama's tummy to 90. We then counted to 90, amazed at all of those wonderful numbers coming out of our mouths. If only we can be so lucky.
When we were counting, certain numbers stood out for me. 3, the number her brother Bec will be. 1, the number that her brother Hendrix hasn't even started on. 1, the number of her older brother that we lost to miscarriage will never be. 8, Jaice. 10, Jaiya. 12, Juju. Almost 14, Jaiden. Almost 16, Jackson. 16, Dallas. 20, Chase and Laramee. 30, Jarod. 33, Landi. 35, her Daddy. 37, her Mommy. 52, her Papa Kenny, that will never be more. 55, her Mema. 90, her Great Nana.
At points in our lives, we consider the numbers that are important. 25 was huge for me, much more than any other number that I've had. And now any birthday that any of us celebrate is larger than that 25 ever was in my head back then. All of the numbers that I listed above have a gentleness and tenderness that brings tears to my eyes and catches my breath and my heart. The absolute hugeness of a year, a birthday that shows how absolutely amazing that life is and how I really don't want the birthdays to stop.
My daughter is 5 years old. From the minute that positive pregnancy test revealed itself into my vision, I never dreamed that she would be 5. At every interval, I was shocked that I could have such a gift for as long as I did. A 12 week embryo. I never imagined. 39 weeks to term. No way. 5 days old coming home from the hospital. It wasn't possible. At every waking, I believed she would be gone. I couldn't wish for the next day, let alone, 5 years old. And yet, she IS 5 now. I don't want to even acknowlege how sweet this all is, like powdered sugar that will disappear if you breathe.