And not in the way that you would think. Just decided tonight that it had been too long since I had just written things down. Not anything that I necessarily want to say, just to put the words on the screen. To be where I am at at this point in time. Either in my own home or at an Orlando golf. Just be.
I'm missing journaling on the page. The inward pull of pregnancy is once again taking me away from others and I love it. Not an actual communing with the child yet, but the warding off of everything extra besides air, water and prenatal vitamins. Mostly words I am missing, but although I have been doing well in working with the images on the pages, I want to fill in some words and thoughts and feelings. I have gotten used to retelling things in a story form so I can remember the things that have happened with the kids. But what about just writing things down like I did when I was in jr high and high school? Listening to song lyrics, little observations, letting your mind and your imagination go. Without punctuation, without an audience. Writing down feelings that have no words assigned to them.
I love being alone. I am so lucky to have time to myself that most women would only dream about, especially moms. When the offer comes up for me to be on my own, I jump at the chance. I love to not talk, to not listen, to not be needed or expected for periods of time that are never long enough. To only need myself. Being part of such a large family, lonliness and boredom are feelings that I haven't ever really experienced. Tomorrow I am hoping for one of those alone days without interruption. A small social contact in the morning, but the rest of the time I will turn down the phone, leave the kids to their own Friday lives and submerge into the wonderful silence.