This month I've been doing really well. My dad has been on my mind, but not in the totally encompassing grief that I've had in the past. Last night I started to feel some of the desperateness of it all. I've gotten to the point where I can hold this sadness away from me, instead of jumping into it. But not last night. But not today. I have to be blunt now and admit, I miss him.
I miss his voice.
I miss his attitude.
I miss having a dad.
I miss his advice.
I miss seeing him when he would pop into my work.
I miss his demands.
I miss his advice.
I miss his laugh.
I miss his singing.
I miss my swing dancing partner.
I'm not old enough to not have a dad.
I wish that you guys could have met him. God, he was a rock star. Arrogant like a rock star, but what presence. In our town he would drive down the streets with his hand out the window in a wave because that was how many people he knew.
I'm still so mad at life.
The grief clothes have worked well. At times it is a sacrifice to not wear what I really want to. I miss my blue scrubs! But it only lasts a couple more days. I like feeling that I am being honorable to his memory.
It will be 2 years of loss on Saturday.
I'm glad that I'm not better yet. I'm hoping that I will always remember what I have lost.
I feel sick.
4 comments:
((hugs)) to you my sweet...please think happy positive thoughts..its hard two years is not a long time but i guess feels like forever to you... remember your dad for the wonderful man he was in your life!!
I love you. I'm so sorry for how you are feeling. I'm sending you good thoughts.
Karianne, luv, you are on my mind and in my heart today. I love you. I'm remembering him today with you.
Can I say that I totally get what you say when you say you're glad you still miss him, that you still feel some pain. When you're feeling that he's still such a real presence in your life right now.
I am glad the black wardrobe went well, and glad you were able to honor him that way.
Hugs!
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