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Thursday, February 14, 2008

I miss him

This month I've been doing really well. My dad has been on my mind, but not in the totally encompassing grief that I've had in the past. Last night I started to feel some of the desperateness of it all. I've gotten to the point where I can hold this sadness away from me, instead of jumping into it. But not last night. But not today. I have to be blunt now and admit, I miss him.

I miss his voice.
I miss his attitude.
I miss having a dad.
I miss his advice.
I miss seeing him when he would pop into my work.
I miss his demands.
I miss his advice.
I miss his laugh.
I miss his singing.
I miss my swing dancing partner.

I'm not old enough to not have a dad.

I wish that you guys could have met him. God, he was a rock star. Arrogant like a rock star, but what presence. In our town he would drive down the streets with his hand out the window in a wave because that was how many people he knew.

I'm still so mad at life.

The grief clothes have worked well. At times it is a sacrifice to not wear what I really want to. I miss my blue scrubs! But it only lasts a couple more days. I like feeling that I am being honorable to his memory.

It will be 2 years of loss on Saturday.

I'm glad that I'm not better yet. I'm hoping that I will always remember what I have lost.

I feel sick.

4 comments:

AnastasiaC said...

((hugs)) to you my sweet...please think happy positive thoughts..its hard two years is not a long time but i guess feels like forever to you... remember your dad for the wonderful man he was in your life!!

Katya said...

I love you. I'm so sorry for how you are feeling. I'm sending you good thoughts.

Catherine said...

Karianne, luv, you are on my mind and in my heart today. I love you. I'm remembering him today with you.

Carrie said...

Can I say that I totally get what you say when you say you're glad you still miss him, that you still feel some pain. When you're feeling that he's still such a real presence in your life right now.

I am glad the black wardrobe went well, and glad you were able to honor him that way.

Hugs!