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Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Hurdles

There are times in my life where I feel like I wake up and see only hurdles before me, not in a bad way, just things that need to be put behind me for the day. Then, to add to that mess of hurdles, I have random hurdles flying out of the sky in front of me that I can't anticipate.

Since my dad got sick I can actually envision a storm of hurdles. A hurricane, then a flurry, a small break and then it starts again.

The worst of these hurdles that have been so frequent have been the ones where people that I love are struggling and hurting. This fall and winter have felt like a whiteout of hurdles.

Today started out at 515 with a parenting hurdle which was the most difficult I've had to deal with yet. On top of the fact that I'd went to bed at 4 because I could NOT sleep. Ivy had a devastating nightmare where she was sad and couldn't stop crying, real, sorrow tears over what had happened in her mind. My heart broke to watch her retell it to me to get it out. I wrapped her in her magic blanket and told her stories like, "once upon a time there was a little girl named Ivy and it was her birthday" so many that she said, "Mommy, I don't need another story right now."

The first realization that I can't crawl into that innocent mind with bleach and scrubbies to take it away. A dream about an animal with sharp claws trying to get daddy. Becken was sick and she missed him and loved him so much. I'm tearing up thinking about her retelling it. But it is her nightmare. Not mine, I have to let her own it. That kills.

Then, 10 oclock tonight sitting in my sister's truck, rubbing her back while she lays in my lap and bawls tears that haven't stopped for 2 years. Finally letting go a little bit, being honest about things. The emotion made me almost woozy.

I sat in therapy last week just sobbing. She says to me, "why can't you see how much you have been through? It is so much." I ask her if my mascara is all over the place. She takes my Kleenex and wipes my eyes. I put my head on her shoulder and thank her for being so kind. And she says, "you deserve kindness, Karianne. remember, you have been through so much." She teaches me a breathing exercise because my lips and hands are tingling with anxiety. It helps.

I don't have counseling this week. I can tell.

The only hurdle I'm jumping tomorrow is laundry!!

4 comments:

KrayonKel said...

I just know you have the gift of Empathy* like me. It is difficult when you can feel all those problems of others, and there is very little you can do about it. I really really know. But remember this: you are making those hard times better just by being there. :)


* It's from a test called StengthFinder created by the Gallup Poll. The book is called Now Discover Your Strengths, and it's one of my favorite personality type tests.

Katya said...

I absolutely feel you right here. It's hard to be the one to shoulder everyone else's pain, but I try to remind myself that I'm the one shouldering the pain because I'm the one who can handle facing it. Not everyone can. It might not seem like it, but Kelly's right. It's a gift.

Just don't be afraid to take some time out to shoulder your own demons.

Carrie said...

I am sending you some insanely huge hugs right now, girlfriend.

I am sorry that the hurdles have been so constant. That's how I've felt lately too... one after another, with no end in sight. It's especially bad when they come at you in multiples. *sigh*

My little man had a nightmare this past week too - his first ever. He was sobbing hysterically, but yet he wouldn't let me comfort him. He told me that he had a bad dream about me. That broke my heart. I can't tell you when I've ever felt that heartbroken. :( So I totally understand why it upset you so badly.

Taking others pain on is so all consuming, especially when you're taking on more than one person's at a time, and you've got your own to start with. Please be easy on yourself, just as your therapist told you to be.... Really. You deserve it.

Please know that I am praying for you... wished I lived closer so we could share some laughs to take our minds off of the icky in our lives.

HUGS!

Katiefucious said...

Oh Karianne, you are so precious.

Have you ever heard a song called "If I Could" by Regina Belle (and Nancy Wilson)? My mom bought me that CD when I was in my early teens, and I never understood the words until I was older.

Good thoughts and prayers. *hug*