There are times in my life where I feel like I wake up and see only hurdles before me, not in a bad way, just things that need to be put behind me for the day. Then, to add to that mess of hurdles, I have random hurdles flying out of the sky in front of me that I can't anticipate.
Since my dad got sick I can actually envision a storm of hurdles. A hurricane, then a flurry, a small break and then it starts again.
The worst of these hurdles that have been so frequent have been the ones where people that I love are struggling and hurting. This fall and winter have felt like a whiteout of hurdles.
Today started out at 515 with a parenting hurdle which was the most difficult I've had to deal with yet. On top of the fact that I'd went to bed at 4 because I could NOT sleep. Ivy had a devastating nightmare where she was sad and couldn't stop crying, real, sorrow tears over what had happened in her mind. My heart broke to watch her retell it to me to get it out. I wrapped her in her magic blanket and told her stories like, "once upon a time there was a little girl named Ivy and it was her birthday" so many that she said, "Mommy, I don't need another story right now."
The first realization that I can't crawl into that innocent mind with bleach and scrubbies to take it away. A dream about an animal with sharp claws trying to get daddy. Becken was sick and she missed him and loved him so much. I'm tearing up thinking about her retelling it. But it is her nightmare. Not mine, I have to let her own it. That kills.
Then, 10 oclock tonight sitting in my sister's truck, rubbing her back while she lays in my lap and bawls tears that haven't stopped for 2 years. Finally letting go a little bit, being honest about things. The emotion made me almost woozy.
I sat in therapy last week just sobbing. She says to me, "why can't you see how much you have been through? It is so much." I ask her if my mascara is all over the place. She takes my Kleenex and wipes my eyes. I put my head on her shoulder and thank her for being so kind. And she says, "you deserve kindness, Karianne. remember, you have been through so much." She teaches me a breathing exercise because my lips and hands are tingling with anxiety. It helps.
I don't have counseling this week. I can tell.
The only hurdle I'm jumping tomorrow is laundry!!