Tonight was my dad's tribute dinner. There were about 20 of us there. My poor mom. She is still defeated. I worry about her.
I thought today about the episode on Sex and the City where Carrie is trying to get over a break up with Big. Charlotte says something like however long the relationship was, it takes half as long to recover. Or maybe she said twice as long Either way, I'm screwed. My dad and I had a relationship for 34 years. It does make me relieved to realize this though. I don't have to make myself feel badly for not getting on with it after a year. How can I? There is no way.
I had a dream a few weeks back about the Traitor and the Whore. And my dad in some way demanding that we were all on the same side, regardless of their actions. Tonight it felt familiar, because they showed up in the bar of the restaurant that we were in. Typical. We just had to keep the fact from my mom who probably would have choked them out. I was walking her to the bathroom, keeping her from looking in the bar and seeing them. I kept thinking that if she saw them, there would be no way that I could hold her back. Her passion and loyalty to my dad are that strong. And she is tough! Much stronger than me. By the time I left, conflict had been avoided. I hope that it stayed that way. But how odd, isn't it? There we all were, in the same space but separated, honoring the same man. It still is making me think. But not about forgiveness. Not even close.
I made a toast tonight to my dad, honoring my family for witnessing with me. I spoke some words on behalf of my mom, because she couldn't speak, she was crying so hard. She asked me to thank my dad's siblings and to tell them how thankful she is for him. That through him, she learned family. And that they were her family because of him as well. And us kids were hers, because of him, along with the grandkids. And it goes on. Because of him.
After my toast, our waitress came up to me and drew me aside. She asked about my dad, how old he was, what had happened and who everyone was. She then told me how sorry she was and that she believes with all of her heart in eternal life. She then gave me a huge hug with tears in her eyes. Yeah, she got a huge tip from me. Angels are all around us.
I slept in today. Read under the covers. Answered emails and phone calls from friends wanting to talk about dad. Then headed to dinner. And I've been fine. No tears yet, but a full, full heart.
8 comments:
Wow. The waitress part seriously gave me chills.
mp
Well, I am glad that your dad's memory wasn't dishonored by those 2 in the bar. And it was very sweet of the waitress to take an interest! Moments like that are priceless... the kindness of strangers.
I feel that if you love someone completely, you never really get over them. It's ok for it to take a long time for those feelings to fade, because they were SO strong, especially if that person was an integral part of your life (such as a parent, or a spouse).
After all, you still love them, even though they are no longer alive.
We're thinking about you here. Take care of yourself.
I know that anniversary was probably a hard one for you. It sounds like you have such a wonderfully large family. What a great way to remember all those special times with your dad!
Wishing I could give you a hug too,
Kelly
(((Our internet has been out the last few days due to another snow. Next week we are in the 40s and 50s. I'm super excited.)))
you are in my thoughts and prayers! (it's okay to cry, you know!) sending cyberhugs your way!
I agree with Katie, I don't think I will ever get over losing my father.
How wonderful for you to have such a caring and loving family. I am sure your Dad was there that night.I believe there are angels all around us.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers too. :)
very lovely post about an emotional day/moment/time.
Karianne, I am so sorry about the loss of your Dad. I'm grateful that you have all of those people around you that can remember him together, and hopefully provide you with some strength. I'm thinking about you.
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