What Happened Last Week - The Set Up

I have been feeling that it was time to finally write about what happened with Chris' mom.

For his birthday dinner, I asked Chris if I should invite his mom and step dad to the fancy schmancy place. Chris said no, that him and his mom normally do something on their own and it really wasn't her type of restaurant, which I already knew. Well, of course, she found out about it and it hit the fan.

To give some history here, Chris and I have been together for 6 years. His mom and I haven't ever gotten along. She has always had the attitude of the martyr and the victim. She has a large social interaction problem with knowing what topics are ok to discuss in public, and which aren't. When we were first dating, I told Chris that I needed to stay away from her because I felt legally compelled to call CPS on her and the way she treated her stepdaughters. Calling them stupid, rolling her eyes at them and yelling at them in front of me. When I was pregnant with Ivy, I got up and left the table at lunch when she began discussing her raid of a meth lab and her treatment of the women she arrested. (She was a cop) After some incidences where she cornered me after Ivy was born and then berated me in front of all of his other family members at a dinner at her house, I have decided to stay very far away from her. Of course, during these times Chris was no where in sight. When we are in the same room, which is not often, as I choose to do my inlaw socializing with Chris' dad and step mom, we stay on opposite corners and don't speak. Because of his mom's negativity and depression, Chris and I also keep the kids from her. The energy is unbearable. Nothing is ever right, no one can do anything about it and it is always manipulative and victimized. Not a great environment for kids or anyone else for that matter.

Chris tried to explain to the best of his abilities about the dinner but to no avail. He ended up not doing anything with her. When he called her in the first place he said, "I wish that I didn't have to talk to her." When the call was over, he tossed the phone on the couch and said, "That was just as painful as I expected it would be. The way that she acts makes me even want to distance her even more." He did not get told happy birthday or anything.

Well, the following Friday, which was the day I had been crying hysterically about my dad, Chris got a card in the mail from his mom. With a 2 page typed letter. He read the first line which was something like, "I've been hurt, humiliated and angered by the way I was treated about your birthday." With that first line, he put the letter down and said, "I'm not going to read this crap." I then said, "Do you want me to read it and summarize for you?" He said, "If you want."

I started to read. After that first line, guess what the letter was about? You guessed it. Me. Almost 2 typed pages of sheer hatred towards me. It was harsh. And yet, I was really glad that she wrote it. We both cannot stand each other and I'm happy that she finally brought Chris into it and spelled it out for him. Before, I would get the brunt while he was out of the room and I'm sure that he thought that I was exaggerating, but it was so nice to have it all on the table.

In the letter she said that she was about to have a knock down drag out fight with me because I'm leaving her no choice. She also said that she knows that we fight about her (which haven't for years) and that he doesn't feel comfortable telling his mom ill things about me because he wants to save my image with her, but don't worry, I had done that all myself and she only thinks ill of me. She also said that she hasn't ever been aware of why I dislike her even though I've told her to her face more than once that I can't stomach her negativity and that my kids should not be around it. Instead of printing what she said word for word, (I made a copy for myself) just believe me when I say that it was harsh. And it was hard to read that, even though I know that this is how she really feels.

Last week during date night Chris and I spoke about the letter and what we were going to do about it (Romantic, I know). A very good friend of mine spoke to me before we left and said that in every incident that I have mentioned Chris' mom, she had the feeling that she is not well mentally. When we went out to discuss it, Chris said, "First of all, you need to remember that my mom has issues. She's nuts. She has been depressing like this for over 20 years." I told him that I would be willing to sit down with her and with Chris and talk to her. And I would tell her again how her depression scares me. How I fight with depression myself and have worked very hard to stay healthy, but cannot risk being around toxic people. I would then say that she needed to see a doctor and a therapist because she needs help. Chris said, 'No way. Us kids have sat her down twice to do an intervention like that with her and to hear it coming from you, she would be humiliated." I then told him that under no circumstances would I speak to her unless he was with me. He said that he would call her and would talk to her and let her know what was expected of her. Especially that if she speaks to me, it needs to be short and positive. That's it. Nothing more. We always have spent Christmas Eve at her house and that this year that was at risk and we would decide what to do by how the conversation went.