tonight Bec

found a container of legos and wanted to play with them. He sat at the table for at least 15 minutes making a rocket/spaceship which may or may not have had a liftmaster garage door opener parts installed as well. I've always imagined my little son playing with legos like that, but until tonight he hasn't ever shown any interest. It really was like a dream come true for me. Funny how things like that make our day.

last night

B decides to crawl up and get his Valentine candy down from over the dryer. In the process, he spills pink sugar all over stacks of clean laundry and the laundry room floor. I think that's all I should say about that. Maybe I need to work out on the p6 extreme before I interact with this situation.

Has anyone else

tried to watch Sex and The City 2 and not been able to get through it? Grrr. I rented it last night with some free Redbox money that I had and I also rented a movie for the kids. I have a short break today before I head into daycare and thought that I'd try to watch it. NO GO! I got to the red carpet premiere and had to turn it off. I would have rather watched some video diet pill reviews I'm sad. I love SATC!

I can't even begin to lay out the details of what a cruddy day it was today. It has ended up turning out ok, but it was difficult.



Bec had a dentist appt early today. I shared on my blog awhile back that he needs a lot of work done to his teeth. There is a lot of mommy guilt going on with that, but I've been able to let some of it go due to the fact that his teeth suffered a lot while he was in Ethiopia, but it still is hard. Bring on the wrinkle creams!
When I found out that they were recommending that he be put under general anesthesia, I freaked out. He is healthy, but I don't know his history OR his family history with anesthesia and I wanted to take a more cautious approach, using the general anesthesia as a last resort.



I spoke with a friend of mine that works there about my concerns. Even during the initial exams, it didn't seem like the dentist(s) were grasping Becken's history. One even told me that due to Becken's extreme situation of decay, it was a good chance to learn from my mistakes and change our tooth cleaning routine to save Hendrix from a similar fate. So, what about Ivy's near perfect dental health? Let's forget, or not acknowledge that our middle child had no prenatal care and was severly malnourished as an infant. It's just mom's laziness to blame.



Anyway, my friend said that she had discussed my wanting to leave the anesthesia as a last resort and that the pediatric dentist wanted to have a consult with me to address my concerns. They would schedule a visit with minor work to get a feel for Bec's response to having dental work done. These conversations have been happening for weeks.



Today I go in for the consult and the pediatric dentist really rubbed me the wrong way. I felt like I was getting his standard spiel to convince me to do things his way. When I brought up the adoption, he tried to schmooze me by saying, "Oh, I've worked with all kinds of children from all over the world." Then goes on to list every nationality he has worked on. Then he tells me that any kind of pediatric dentist in the valley has been trained by him. He asks me, "Is he healthy?" I'm thinking, his freaking chart is in your hands and you haven't read anything about him??? Then he says, "I've worked on heart patient kids. I've worked on kids that have chemo. In fact, I've worked on kids that are terminal" WTF?

waiting for

Henry to calm down. Every weekend he decides that he is going to skip naps. And every weekend I kind of waver, but know that he needs his nap before things get too crazy. So now he is screeching in his crib because he wouldn't stay in bed with Becken to watch a movie. So mad.

I'm just gonna hang out for a bit so I don't have to hear how angry he is.

I've been back

on Facebook more often this week and I need to stop it. It's sucking me in again because I've been busy and scattered and tied to my gateway computers
.

Being away has really helped. Stopping my bad behaviors is good for my self esteem. I have been feeling superior, which isn't very nice, but it does feel good. I need to stop my nightly check in and go back to my once a week scan. I need to get it back into perspective before I'm back to the bad place again.

I'm trying to remember

that last month, this was worse.
I woke up tonight all pms-y at 1215. According to the calendar, made by business printing services,
I'm starting my period today. My back hurts. I feel like I'm gonna puke. I ate a dozen cookies instead of dinner. Strike that, in addition to dinner.

I got up, took a bath. Adhered thermacare packs to the front and the back of me.

I'm thankful because this time last month, these feelings lasted a week. And I'm hoping that these feelings will only last today. I'm hoping that this is the month that my period lasts less than 10 days. That this IUD will bring me the good fortune of no periods by the time I've had it a year. 3 months down and the flow is so much lighter, but the length is still horrible.

I'm tired. I'm sore. I'm sensitive. And today is a full day in a very full week. I just want to stay in bed. But I won't. I'll get up at 730 and start all of the busyness again.

Since Hendrix turned 2, the debilitating depression has gone. Just vaporized and my life is back. And I'm handling things. Meeting them at the door instead of hiding away, huddled in the back bedroom with the curtains drawn tight and my headphones on. I tell myself that I'm better. And I know that I am better. Instead of knowing that I'm lying. It feels good.

The flu is visiting our house

and I really hope that it is leaving soon. Miss Ivy was sent home sick Monday afternoon and hasn't been back to school since. I've been having a residue of guilt on me ever since yesterday when she started puking at 3 a.m., which she did again today by the way. this girl cries wolf so often with her stomach hurting that I don't know how to judge my response to her. So I was pretty mad when I went to pick her up on Monday because I thought that she was mad about having to eat hot lunch. I had to work, so I had her lie down with the preschool kids to take a nap. My mom noticed her in that class and asked to take her. Fine. Ivy was fine and acting all happy. But then that night she started to feel warm so I kept her home on Tuesday and she slept most of the day. Wednesday the fever and puking started and continued through today. I really hope that the rest of us escape the germs. I really hope that she starts to feel much better soon. It's just pitiful, and looking at her makes my guilt even worse. I hope she isn't missing too much at school. And I'm really missing being at work. I've been so bored here that I've been cleaning and working out, Now that's bored.

Epilogue by Anne Roiphe

I'll only give it 3 stars, but there were some passages that really made me think about what she had said. Here are a couple:

Actually, here's only one part that keeps on my mind. I must have forgotten the other! Unlike the words "cissus quadrangularis" as they keep running through my head since I've read them.


This quote is describing a letter that the author got out of the blue and not in the holiday season. It has struck me, as this really is how I feel about facebook on many occaisions.

Congratulations are in order. congratulations for having raised a good family, because the children all live within a mile of each other and their parents, because there has been no divorce, no major illness, no misfortune that is visible on the faces in the photo. Because decent people have managed to survive the years looking pleased, becuase no child was afflicted with autism, no cancer cells took a life, no one fell into the pit of addiction or smoked till lungs burned. I stare at the picture. Why now? What is wrong that the mother and the father needed to send this picture now? What lurks under the couch? What haunts the bright smile of the mother? Is this a competitive missive? Look how much better my family is than yours, you, opener of my letter, read it and feel bad because your happiness can't measure up to ours. More likely this letter was created in the boiler room of insecurity. Loook, I have a good family too, just as good as I imagine yours to be.

Chris' brother

had an angiogram today. He has been having irregular heartbeats for a couple of weeks and they are trying to figure out what is wrong. After the procedure, the doctor said that all looked good, but they are awaiting more test results.

The mother of one of Chris' close friends passed away last week. we found out today. I didn't even know that she was sick. It has made me very sad tonight.

I had lunch with girlfriends on Saturday (and we weren't wearing special occasion dressesalthough it was a very special occasion)
and found out that I am the only one with a will and life insurance set up. It made me feel weird. All of this makes me feel weird.

1/19/11

The constant rider omnibus and julie and julia are the two books that I have finished so far this week. If you ever needed to work the words, "lipo 6 hers black" into a writing assignment, you would do well to use a zine format. That is the format of the constant rider and it was amazing. I loved it. It's about a woman that rides the bus and her bike to and from work, etc. in Portland OR. It made me want to write another zine installment on my own zine that I made when Miss Ivy was around 2.

I have already read Julie and Julia and I really liked it. I passed it on to my sister that couldn't even finish it she hated it so much. She hated how insensitive she was about her job working for a government agency that dealt with families that lost people in the 9/11 tragedy. This was the abridged audio version read by the author. I liked it again, but I forgot how much swearing and sex talk was in the book. It was difficult to listen to when the kids were around.

My mama's bday

is today!! and no, I did not spend the day wondering how or why does apidexin work for some people. I had a great day working at both jobs and then going to my 14 year old nephew's basketball play off games. If you are wondering, I got her a dvd of "That Girl" the first season and the first disc. I think that she is going to love it!

Playing hooky

from basketball tonight. Instead of driving 3 hours to watch my nephew, I had Ivy's dental appointment. I would have loved to go to the game but taking care of the cavities seemed more pressing. I can only imagine what it's going to be like when I have to start thinking about the best acne products for all three of them. I'm going to go nuts. I hope that my sister remembers to text me the scores throughout the game.

Paying the Piper, cont.

Becken. He did so great in the chair! Such a brave boy, but his teeth are a mess. The doctor said that he has 5 cavities that are in between his teeth and they are recommending that 3 of his back teeth be crowned with the silver crowns. I'm freaking the F out! Chris is going to spaz out and I'm dreading it.

As you all know, I'm not much of a disciplinarian or much of a person that follows through. And of course, teeth brushing falls into this catergory quite a bit. Chris sets out their toothbrushes every morning, but they don't get brushed every morning. I'm pretty lax about it all and now it's coming to bite me. HARD!!

A lot of this has to do with the fact that Bec saw a dentist a year and a half ago and said that he was doing fine. So I relaxed and didn't see the need to be so Nazi about it all. But now we are at a new dentist and their opinion is pretty dire. Maybe it's all subjective?

Another reason for this freak out has to do with my guilt. I forget that Bec isn't biologically related to me. I felt that his teeth were just like ours, but they aren't. and I'm mad at myself for not taking care of my child. And I feel so guilty.

Lastly is the price, which I don't even know what the cost will be, but I'm sure that it's more than cheap car insurance.
I'm trying to bury my head in the sand for a while on this. So not only do I feel like a bad mom, I'm paying the monetary price as well. Gross.

Paying the piper

and hating it. I need a cash advance.


I took the kids to the dentist over the past couple of days. Miss Ivy had 3 minor cavities that we had filled today. She was such a trooper! The didn't have to use anesthesia because they were so small and she even refused the nitrous. Such a brave brave girl. The baby's teeth were fine. But let's hop on down to why I'm having an emotional fit...

I ended up

staying home tonight instead of going to the away game. It's the first of Jax's games that I missed this season. I gave myself the goal of going to all of them, but tonight's transportation ended up being weird. So, I brought Ivy home and we tried out these whole wheat chocolate chip cookies. They turned out very good!

3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 cup butter or margarine, softened
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 egg
2 cups whole wheat flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 package (9 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips 1.5 C


Heat oven to 375ºF.
Mix sugars, butter, vanilla and egg in large bowl. Stir in flour, baking soda and salt (dough will be stiff). Stir in chocolate chips. Drop dough by rounded tablespoonfuls about 2 inches apart onto ungreased cookie sheet.
Bake 8 to 10 minutes or until light brown (centers will be soft). Cool slightly; remove from cookie sheet. Cool on wire rack.

We baked ours for only 5 minutes as we like our cookies underdone.

Saying Goodbye

(I wrote this new year's weekend)

This weekend I logged into my goodreads account to update the books that I have finished recently. I keep an extra "shelf" open on my page to track how many books I have read for each year.



When I first had Ivy I panicked about slacking off on my reading, which is one of the activities of my life that defines me to myself. At that point, I made a goal of reading 52 books a year to keep myself motivated on doing something so important to my individual self, to not sacrifice every cell of my brain to motherhood or watching my samsung home theatre system while nursing her.


And every year I scramble, yet each year I have made my goal. Until this year. 2010 is receiving a big fat F on this goal that I have loved and honored for 7 years. And I'm blaming that failure on Facebook. And it's the last straw.


This year I have seen 2 friends be genuinely mean to others with their facebook postings. One in a full on, name calling rant that involved my brother and his current girlfriend (the friend was an ex of my brother's), and the other was in a sickly, sugary comment on a post that I had put up about snow. and it wasn't to align myself with her, it was to show another one of my friends how "close" we are. this friend is the sworn enemy of my friend's mother. I know that this is all confusing, but they were hurtful, mean spirited postings that didn't have anything to do with me, but made me feel horrible.


And I'm not clean either. After blocking someone's updates, I have found myself stalking them and getting very angry at their posts. But I cannot seem to help myself. I find myself being judgemental and mean and envious in my head because I think that she is not using Facebook the way that I think it should be used. And every single time I head over to her page, I feel like crap about myself. And then, I let her win. I also once posted an update to hurt someone. Not that what I said wasn't true or heartfelt, but I knew that posting it would cause someone else to feel badly. And I'm still angry that I did that.


So, I've been blogging up a storm lately and feel so much better. And although I'm saying goodbye, I'm not murdering my account. There may be late night times of weakness. I may hop over to see my birthday comments. I may be back in a month but I really hope not. In college, I had a realization that I had too many "friends". That I needed to cut back on the fringe and stick with those that were worthwhile to the time to spend having a friendship. This is the identical way that I feel right now with FB.



I started this post this weekend and have still been checking my account. Far less time than I had been before. I've been also wondering what to do with my time away from social networking. There have been times that I've been about to hop on to facebook, but make myself do something more positive, like read or paint instead. It's going to be rough. It's going to feel like Lent. But, I'm thinking that it will be worth it.

Christmas

Has been pretty great this year. Lots of time spent with my family and minimal time spent with the inlaws. We bought Ivy a replacement pair of kamik rain boots and everything else under the sun that her and her brothers wanted.
I still have one child awake and he is exhausted to the point that I cannot believe he is still awake. And now, that being said, he just walked in here and is demanding that I lay down with him. I think that he will be out in seconds.

Merry Christmas!

My very own Christmas gift

Last week when I was home with the sick kids, in the mail I received an amazing gift to myself. I had ordered a small published book called, The Zinester's Guide To New York City. So while the germs and attitudes swarmed around me, I squinted into tiny tiny print, reading about dim sum on the cheap and about free art exhibits. I was enchanted and saved from my own domestic hell, remembering the alternative me that used to exist strongly before the kids came. It was heaven.

That night after it was all quiet, I logged onto the zine site and spent $25 on a whole crop of new self published zines, instead of using the $ for . They came today in a huge envelope that Ivy opened and doled out each one to me while I drove, just wishing the time could speed by until I could be in the tub reading these amazing photo copied original beauties. Not Facebook updates, but true writing that needs to be written. I've been reminded of originality, not conformity.

I hate Facebook more and more every day. Yet, I still have an active account. I'm in an extreme hatred mode of Christmas and all of the things I'm supposed to have and be right now. Obligations are all around me, and I really do not do well with obligations. I even threatened the kids that Santa may not come unless they stop being brats. And I just heard Chris use the same threat. I don't like being like this to the kids. And they are all home tomorrow. And Chris has to work forever.

Tonight in the tub, I have read about cutting the cord, having a father be a true co parent and breastfeeding twins. I feel myself remembering who I am and liking what I remember with each small zine. Maybe I can take it minute by minute tomorrow.

taking the day

doesn't really mean taking the "day". For me, in reality, it is taking from 9-3. So, I'm taking the time from 9-3 to recoup from yesterday's 3 child sickness fest where they all turned out to not be so very sick.

Played on facebook, did some art and a painting that I loved so much I am keeping for myself and giving a print to the intended recipient instead. Had a bowl of frosted flakes and now I want a nap. Today there will be no television or music. Just quiet.

Maybe some reading, but I'll be asleep very quickly. It will be a nice day.

Until 3 and then welcome to chaos. Ah, but the nanny will be here tonight and that will help so much.