accomplished!

We finally took our First Aid/CPR/Bloodborne Pathogens class today! It was boring, and about the same that I remembered from last time, but it is finished!! I have been putting that off forever it seems and after a lot of waiting and a lot of work, it's done :)

We used a new sitter today who really helped out in a pinch. When I have something set that I need a sitter for, I have a lot of people that I can ask, but this weekend it seemed like everyone was busy. She got dropped off and picked up at the house which is a huge plus. She took the kids to the commercial playground that is by our house and played with them and gave them lunch. I hope that she'll sit for us again, but I couldn't really get a good read off of her. We'll see.

a switcheroo

Today I was armed and ready to have my teeth cleaned. And then when I showed up for my appointment they told me that I had two fillings that needed repair that were on the treatment plan last year that I haven't had taken care of yet. Grrr. I went ahead and did the restore work but I've been off my game all day. On a good note, they said that all of my work that needed to be done since my pregnancy with Hendrix is completed. Now they are just watching a crown that may need replaced down the line and I'm on a cleaning schedule every 4 months instead of 6. I am considering changing dentists though as they have raised their nitrous prices from 20 to 40 a visit and that's out of pocket.

Blech

Have you seen that commercial for Easy Feet? It's a bristly brush thing that you put your foot in while you are in the shower. I squirm even watching the commercial. It looks like soapy torture.

six on Sunday

six things I'm thankful for today

1. my kids and husband


2. my dvr


3. my laptop


4. sausage and potato soup


5. hot packs


6. my jobs


7. military challenge coin
that my dad gave to me

And I figured out how to edit this code to include the last item! I'm normally only good for cut and paste types of editing, but I took my time and did it! That's big for me! And it looks complicated!

Looking back

and building the case for being better. In tracking out my cycles on my desktop computers

I have been able to somewhat pinpoint when days will be good and be bad. And yet, while I'm in the bad days, it's hard to see that progress has been made.
So today I'm making myself look back and document what has been better this cycle.
with the IUD, the bleeding has almost stopped
with the chinese herbs and acupuncture the breast pain has really reduced as well along with the extreme bloating. And these are all great things.
But today has been sad and confusing. I'm quick to anger and tears, feel tired and wondering what I'm doing with my life.
It also doesn't help that I'm tired from a cranky two year old last night. Tomorrow will be better.

not what I thought

In the twenty days that I've been forty, I can tell you, that it is a lot better than I had heard it would be. In one way, it feels calm and peaceful. In another way, it feels like a big accomplishment to be this old. I was scared about losing vibrancy, technicolor drama that is such a blast but so exhausting. But I was looking at Jackson and the younger nephews yesterday at Easter and I felt so ready and happy to pass on all of it to them. That urgency is resting now, I want them to take their turn at living large and changing the world.

40

So, I've been 40 for a week now. And it feels good and it feels weird. Almost like a dream that I can't believe. Not too much difference except for how I feel about myself. Off the top of my head, I would say that I feel 32, so that works. I'm feeling kind of bored lately. Not really sure what the next step is or what I should be doing next or even what I'm doing right now. It's a lot to think about, but I'm trying to just stay open and see what comes my way. I looked into an esthetician course today to learn more spa stuff.
We'll see.

Driving day

Here are the places that I went yesterday in order

1. Alexy's house to pick up carpool


2. Ivy's school


3. spa to give a massage


4. coffee house for a steamer


5. Alexy's house for meeting


6. day care to give breaks


7. drop off Bec art class


8. coffee house to pick up lattes for sis and cousin

didn't drive to myonox right here



9. day care to give another break


10. Pick up Becken from art class


11. day care to drop off Bec


12. Jaiden's baseball game


13. deli to drop off spa poster


14. bookstore to drop off spa poster


15. day care to pick up kids


16. home


17. rite aid

Seriously. Woops! Add in the grocery store after #10

Maybe I spoke

too soon.

This kid is still drugged up and can't walk upright or straight, but that doesn't stop him from trying. (Good thing he isn't interviewing for any columbus jobs because he wouldn't be hired for sure)

He has fallen out of his bed 3 times. And fallen out of the recliner 3 times. All because he thinks that it's funny. He's gonna end up injured worse than his dental work. And then I'm going to ground him. Grrr.

survived

Becken's dental appointment today. He had two teeth pulled which he is ecstatic about because now the tooth fairy gets to come visit for the first time. He has been looking forward to this for soooo long. Every time that Ivy loses a tooth, he would bawl saying that it was going to take forever for him to lose a tooth.

He was really funny when he had his sleepy juice. He was laying on the carpet in the waiting room looking up at the lights. He said, "mom, you have to look at this! The light bulbs are amazing!" Could you imagine what he would have said if there were ceiling fans to look at?

It was great!

tonight Bec

found a container of legos and wanted to play with them. He sat at the table for at least 15 minutes making a rocket/spaceship which may or may not have had a liftmaster garage door opener parts installed as well. I've always imagined my little son playing with legos like that, but until tonight he hasn't ever shown any interest. It really was like a dream come true for me. Funny how things like that make our day.

last night

B decides to crawl up and get his Valentine candy down from over the dryer. In the process, he spills pink sugar all over stacks of clean laundry and the laundry room floor. I think that's all I should say about that. Maybe I need to work out on the p6 extreme before I interact with this situation.

Has anyone else

tried to watch Sex and The City 2 and not been able to get through it? Grrr. I rented it last night with some free Redbox money that I had and I also rented a movie for the kids. I have a short break today before I head into daycare and thought that I'd try to watch it. NO GO! I got to the red carpet premiere and had to turn it off. I would have rather watched some video diet pill reviews I'm sad. I love SATC!

I can't even begin to lay out the details of what a cruddy day it was today. It has ended up turning out ok, but it was difficult.



Bec had a dentist appt early today. I shared on my blog awhile back that he needs a lot of work done to his teeth. There is a lot of mommy guilt going on with that, but I've been able to let some of it go due to the fact that his teeth suffered a lot while he was in Ethiopia, but it still is hard. Bring on the wrinkle creams!
When I found out that they were recommending that he be put under general anesthesia, I freaked out. He is healthy, but I don't know his history OR his family history with anesthesia and I wanted to take a more cautious approach, using the general anesthesia as a last resort.



I spoke with a friend of mine that works there about my concerns. Even during the initial exams, it didn't seem like the dentist(s) were grasping Becken's history. One even told me that due to Becken's extreme situation of decay, it was a good chance to learn from my mistakes and change our tooth cleaning routine to save Hendrix from a similar fate. So, what about Ivy's near perfect dental health? Let's forget, or not acknowledge that our middle child had no prenatal care and was severly malnourished as an infant. It's just mom's laziness to blame.



Anyway, my friend said that she had discussed my wanting to leave the anesthesia as a last resort and that the pediatric dentist wanted to have a consult with me to address my concerns. They would schedule a visit with minor work to get a feel for Bec's response to having dental work done. These conversations have been happening for weeks.



Today I go in for the consult and the pediatric dentist really rubbed me the wrong way. I felt like I was getting his standard spiel to convince me to do things his way. When I brought up the adoption, he tried to schmooze me by saying, "Oh, I've worked with all kinds of children from all over the world." Then goes on to list every nationality he has worked on. Then he tells me that any kind of pediatric dentist in the valley has been trained by him. He asks me, "Is he healthy?" I'm thinking, his freaking chart is in your hands and you haven't read anything about him??? Then he says, "I've worked on heart patient kids. I've worked on kids that have chemo. In fact, I've worked on kids that are terminal" WTF?

waiting for

Henry to calm down. Every weekend he decides that he is going to skip naps. And every weekend I kind of waver, but know that he needs his nap before things get too crazy. So now he is screeching in his crib because he wouldn't stay in bed with Becken to watch a movie. So mad.

I'm just gonna hang out for a bit so I don't have to hear how angry he is.

I've been back

on Facebook more often this week and I need to stop it. It's sucking me in again because I've been busy and scattered and tied to my gateway computers
.

Being away has really helped. Stopping my bad behaviors is good for my self esteem. I have been feeling superior, which isn't very nice, but it does feel good. I need to stop my nightly check in and go back to my once a week scan. I need to get it back into perspective before I'm back to the bad place again.

I'm trying to remember

that last month, this was worse.
I woke up tonight all pms-y at 1215. According to the calendar, made by business printing services,
I'm starting my period today. My back hurts. I feel like I'm gonna puke. I ate a dozen cookies instead of dinner. Strike that, in addition to dinner.

I got up, took a bath. Adhered thermacare packs to the front and the back of me.

I'm thankful because this time last month, these feelings lasted a week. And I'm hoping that these feelings will only last today. I'm hoping that this is the month that my period lasts less than 10 days. That this IUD will bring me the good fortune of no periods by the time I've had it a year. 3 months down and the flow is so much lighter, but the length is still horrible.

I'm tired. I'm sore. I'm sensitive. And today is a full day in a very full week. I just want to stay in bed. But I won't. I'll get up at 730 and start all of the busyness again.

Since Hendrix turned 2, the debilitating depression has gone. Just vaporized and my life is back. And I'm handling things. Meeting them at the door instead of hiding away, huddled in the back bedroom with the curtains drawn tight and my headphones on. I tell myself that I'm better. And I know that I am better. Instead of knowing that I'm lying. It feels good.

The flu is visiting our house

and I really hope that it is leaving soon. Miss Ivy was sent home sick Monday afternoon and hasn't been back to school since. I've been having a residue of guilt on me ever since yesterday when she started puking at 3 a.m., which she did again today by the way. this girl cries wolf so often with her stomach hurting that I don't know how to judge my response to her. So I was pretty mad when I went to pick her up on Monday because I thought that she was mad about having to eat hot lunch. I had to work, so I had her lie down with the preschool kids to take a nap. My mom noticed her in that class and asked to take her. Fine. Ivy was fine and acting all happy. But then that night she started to feel warm so I kept her home on Tuesday and she slept most of the day. Wednesday the fever and puking started and continued through today. I really hope that the rest of us escape the germs. I really hope that she starts to feel much better soon. It's just pitiful, and looking at her makes my guilt even worse. I hope she isn't missing too much at school. And I'm really missing being at work. I've been so bored here that I've been cleaning and working out, Now that's bored.

Epilogue by Anne Roiphe

I'll only give it 3 stars, but there were some passages that really made me think about what she had said. Here are a couple:

Actually, here's only one part that keeps on my mind. I must have forgotten the other! Unlike the words "cissus quadrangularis" as they keep running through my head since I've read them.


This quote is describing a letter that the author got out of the blue and not in the holiday season. It has struck me, as this really is how I feel about facebook on many occaisions.

Congratulations are in order. congratulations for having raised a good family, because the children all live within a mile of each other and their parents, because there has been no divorce, no major illness, no misfortune that is visible on the faces in the photo. Because decent people have managed to survive the years looking pleased, becuase no child was afflicted with autism, no cancer cells took a life, no one fell into the pit of addiction or smoked till lungs burned. I stare at the picture. Why now? What is wrong that the mother and the father needed to send this picture now? What lurks under the couch? What haunts the bright smile of the mother? Is this a competitive missive? Look how much better my family is than yours, you, opener of my letter, read it and feel bad because your happiness can't measure up to ours. More likely this letter was created in the boiler room of insecurity. Loook, I have a good family too, just as good as I imagine yours to be.

Chris' brother

had an angiogram today. He has been having irregular heartbeats for a couple of weeks and they are trying to figure out what is wrong. After the procedure, the doctor said that all looked good, but they are awaiting more test results.

The mother of one of Chris' close friends passed away last week. we found out today. I didn't even know that she was sick. It has made me very sad tonight.

I had lunch with girlfriends on Saturday (and we weren't wearing special occasion dressesalthough it was a very special occasion)
and found out that I am the only one with a will and life insurance set up. It made me feel weird. All of this makes me feel weird.