Today I was finally able to clarify my position with Chris about how I feel about his mom, which was a relief.
Chris and my kids had plans to go out to her house for dinner tonight. Early this morning she called as soon as Chris stepped onto the golf course to cancel the night. As typical, she was crying, saying that things had fallen apart and that she was cancelling. Chris listened to her, then asked once again if she felt that her reactions could be helped by a doctor or a counselor. She got defensive and asked him, "how will a doctor help?" She told him that she needed to cry it out and not see anyone.
He texted me and let me know about the change of plans. I texted back and asked him if all was ok. He texted, "Same ol sh**"
Tonight when he came home, he began to tell me the details, and then said that it was hard for him to do so since the relationship between his mom and I isn't great.
I was finally able to say that it isn't that I don't like his mom. It is because she scares me. That she is sick and will not get treatment. And that being around her makes my own illnesses worse. I was also able to tell him that when my own mom was sick and not seeking treatment, she and I had a similar relationship. And I also made it clear that if my mom had continued to be ill without treatment and showing certain behaviours that I would have the exact same boundaries that I enforce with his mother. Limiting the contact with my kids. No unsupervised contact with the kids. Limited contact with her at all.
It was a relief to articulate all of the details without the emotion. Finally. Normally when these issues come up, it is during an emotional storm involving the kids. It felt good.
He said that after the phone call the golf sucked. And that he is sick of her always being sad or angry. For his sake, I wish that she would get help. But, after all of these years, I am doubtful.