Father's Day

Well, Mel inspired me to write about Father's Day, so here goes!

I must be one of those selfish people who really believe that Father's Day is for their own fathers because although I honor my kids' father full heartedly, it really is about my dad(s) for myself. And when they were living, my grandfather's. But now I"m down to only one live ex-step dad and it is mostly about him and my brother on that day. And having one huge party of pity for myself missing my own daddy.

I did quite well on Father's Day this year. I woke up sicker than ick with this sinus stuff, so maybe that actually helped. In previous years I have dreaded it and ignored it as much as possible. Even the last year that my dad was alive his diagnosis came on the thursday before Father's day, so for about 4 years now Father's Day is about loss. But this year, the day was pretty normal. Me sicker than a dog. Gifts for Chris in the morning. Chris and my kids heading to a bbq at FILs house, while I went to bbq at my sister's for the Father's in our family.

My sis and I handle grief very differently. Well, honestly, all 6 of us handle it differently. I still cannot look at a photo of my dad. I have no photos up in my house. I have not been to the cemetery and probably won't go. My mom is holding on to my portion of his ashes until I can keep them with me or in my house.

My sis has little shrine like things for my dad all over her house. Pictures in every room almost. When I walked into her house she had put a lit candle by a big 8x10 of dad, with fresh cut flowers in a vase as well. All of my air left when I noticed it. My littlest brother was leaving the house when I was walking in. He just stopped by to grab some food before he went to the cemetery. My brother J told my brother C that he should tell dad that he would bring out his kids later on. My sis said, "if you notice where all of the grass is tramped down and snot and tears are all over the headstone, that's because I was there this morning." As much as my own hurt is, the hurt of my siblings hurts me worse. I just walked right into a big mess of hurt that Sunday night. And we really do honor my xstep dad during these times. But we have to do both the sad and the happy now.

All of the kids were running around after dinner. My niece Jaiya asks my sis, " Do you have any dice?" My sis said, "yeah, let's look in here." She has a little bar area where there are drawers. The drawer was stuck full of stuff. They dug around and pried things loose. When my sister opened the drawer it was stuffed with things of my dad's that she had forgotten were there. Pancreatic cancer bracelets, photos. She said, "This is too weird. I'm getting goosebumps."

We then started cracking on dad stories. And crying. And laughing. Then Jaiya comes down with an old purse of my sister's. (They always play dress up in her closet) My sis went thru it and found an old wallet of hers. As she was finding "credit cards" for the girls to play with (punch cards) she put the wallet down in front of her and said, "you guys, what is going on?" she then showed us 2 bank membership cards of my dad's that he had given her years ago. I said, "Sis, he's here. He wants us to know that he is at the table with us. He misses us too."

So, in short, I missed him badly last week. More than I thought that I would. And more now, kind of like a reawakening of loss for me and my sibs and my kids. But in a more mild, familiar way. How f-ing sad is that? I wish that I could have some California wines

With this pregnancy, I am feeling things less and more and things that I don't normally think or feel at all. I just wonder how all of this shock in my life will play out. Having Ivy showed me how I have no control in my life, no matter how much I try or want it. Having Bec soothed me and distracted me from my dad's death. What will this baby bring? I hope that my dad and this baby are getting to know each other in that other realm. I just want them to have some part of each other, like my other kids do.

I do have some pics that I want to post of Ivy and my dad that I hope to get around to soon.