After posting last night, I took some time to breathe and clarify.
The question that kept coming up for me was,
"What is going on with me right now?"
There has been a lot of unrest and upset in my life this past month. Thinking back on how April started with that huge fight that Chris and I had right before my birthday, so many things have been having drama. No haven of neutrality in my environment.
Leaving the kids for the first time overnight
The confusing church experience
Which lead to a horrible week last week of inlaws, manipulation, the police, CPS, and mistrust with Chris' mother once again. Where even my immediate and extended family and business were involved. (The allegations did not involve Chris and I as parents, but as adults in the life of his younger cousin. But again his mother was a huge force of using her power in any way she could against someone she didn't like, which stirred up many nightmares for me of what she could, in all reality, do to me if Chris and I were to ever have custody issues). Without any more details, I was in therapy with this situation more than once to process how threatened and scared I felt.
We were audited at the daycare.
Irritating and confusing health concerns. Which included registering my family with the National Familial Pancreatic Tumor Registry at Johns Hopkins. Even typing this gives me chills.
My spa's move was very easy to push out of my head and let other's worry about. Until it was in my face of how I had let it slip through the cracks.
Once I was able to see the recent history of stress, it made so much sense of why I was so angry yesterday. When I told my sister about it, I said, "Get ready for a torrential rain of cuss words" It was one of the very safe things to be angry about. It didn't take any market research to see why I reacted so strongly.
After this last post a dear friend called to offer me space in her treatment room if I ever needed it. And this was most helpful in putting things into perspective. (Thanks Lex) I do have choices in my life. I'm not trapped. There are options that even I haven't considered in all of the above situations. I am not being defined by others.
With that realization, I relaxed into my night. I don't know when I will be heading back to work. I'm not losing my career. Things are not changing in every way. If I step back and not forward, the knot will open with this as it should. At least until I am ready to make a decision. I am not rushed.
That rushed statement should be in neon for me. I should tape it on my mirror, in my car, on the computer. When I feel rushed, the anxiety rages forward. When I feel like I am supposed to make a decision, or that I'm backed up against the wall, without time to consider each option, I lose my mind. As I'm looking back over all of the stressful situations in April, they required either real or perceived pressure to choose either one way or another. No middle ground which is terrifying to me.
But now it is the weekend. There is no rush, no plans, no threats. Just a pile of books and a pile of laundry. A pile of kids. Heaven.