A few weeks ago I went into my therapist and started to cry because the sun was out and winter seemed over. I told her that I was scared because spring/summer is a horrid time for me. As I was describing my anxiety, she said that every year I miss out on 6 months of my life. And that made her sad. I thanked her for listening and taking me seriously. She said that she wanted me to do a diagnostic test to see where I was at with my chemical/medical treatment.
The assessment was quite a few pages where I had to rate each statement listed. And then Chris had to rate the same test so we could see my perception vs. an outside perception. It was actually kind of fun.
When I got the results I was relieved. She said that I was still struggling with my serotonin levels. Then came the clincher, she also said that I scored very high in the diagnostic for attention deficit disorder.
How I responded to this was interesting. I was glad for a diagnosis to why I've still been feeling so crappy since Ivy was born even though I'm on antidepressants. But when she said that she wanted to add in another medicine, I felt ashamed.
Shame and guilt are not things that I feel very often. You guys know how honest, straight forward and open book about most everything I am. I like to share. The good and all the bad. I like to tell people about my meds and how they have helped me so much, etc. I don't want to portray a "me" that isn't true.
For some reason, being on 2 different meds really freaked me out. Like being on one was normal but being on 2 was psycho. And I would never feel this way about another person, but I was ashamed that I needed so much help. I still think that my reaction is so out of character. I even started feeling ashamed because of the ADD. Like I was stupid or had a learning disability or something. Why would I think that? So weird. I think that's why I really haven't told all of you guys about this. That it would color your perception of me in a bad way.
Well, guess what. The med combo is AMAZING! I can't EVER remember feeling this good and calm and functional. That extra med has been a godsend. Chris noticed a change almost right away. When I was adjusting to them I couldn't really tell, but boy can I tell a difference. I'm more calm, more patient, go with the flow. I'm actually finishing projects and attempting new things. The energy is my biggest change. I used to have to nap everyday just to get. through. the. day. And I would still be tired all of the time. Like I couldn't ever sleep enough.
I remember thinking, "OK, I have to do the kitchen floor today." and that was almost all I could do. It was that much of a struggle to live my life. Now, I just think about it for a little bit, then do it. No biggie. Before I'd have to think through every step before I could bring myself to even try. ie, first I have to sweep. then i have to move the chairs into the utility room or the living room. And it would seriously take me all day to do one "big" thing. Now it is like all of the steps come to me at once. I don't trip over each one. I can work at all my jobs. I have napped maybe twice. and those weren't even because i HAD to. I'm getting so much done. And I'm such a nicer person to myself and others.
My therapist described it to me that when I was on the one med, I was dealing with my serotonin. Adding in the other dealt with my dopamine, which was found to be lacking. And let me tell you, some of these side effects are great.
I'm learning to trust these results. I'm scared that they will stop working and I'll just slip back out of my life. It will take time. And I still really don't like spring and summer. But this year I'm not hiding in my bedroom waiting for it to go away. I'm going outside, thinking, yuck. But that's it. And then I go about my day.
Whew. I'm glad that I felt ready to share. It's been too long.