Last night I was going through my Spam folder and came across a name that I thought was familiar. Well, I read it and it was from an estranged "toxic" friend that I had had a huge falling out with over a decade ago. She has a book that she wants to give me. She had heard about my dad, and was sorry, although I'm not sure if that is what the book is about. But her email was filled with all of her negativity and guilt manipulation, just like she was the same person as she has been since 2nd grade. SSDD.
So, what to do with this info. Should I act like I didn't get the email? Should I respond? I emailed another friend of mine and talked to my sister. I decided to see if she wanted to meet for coffee on Monday. I emailed her and wasn't sure she would, but she wrote back that Monday works.
I never felt guilty about cutting her out of my life, but I did feel guilty about the way that I did it. I attacked her like a coward through a letter and we haven't spoke since. The last straw was a lot of money that she owes to day care for the care of her kids, but at the root, I just couldn't handle the pressure of the relationship anymore and I needed out.
After the "break up" I would anonymously send her flowers on her birthday because I felt guilty, but mostly I loved not having her in my life.
Since my dad died, I've been thinking of her a lot. Not regret, but more like a loose end. I'm not looking to resume the relationship. Maybe an email here and there. I apologized last night at the way I handled things, but I didn't apologize about the why I handled things.
I hope that I can get this finally off of my mind and move on. I think that I am strong enough to face her now. With all of the practice and strength I've gained from my boundaries with my MIL, I should be ok now.
Mostly I missed being able to call her up and say, "Hey, remember when we were 8 and such and such happened?" Or when we were 12, 16, 20 and such and such happened?"
Since Dad died, life is too short to have loose ends. Just because something used to be a certain icky way, doesn't mean I have to let it go there again, right?
It just all feels really weird.