Last night I was going through my Spam folder and came across a name that I thought was familiar. Well, I read it and it was from an estranged "toxic" friend that I had had a huge falling out with over a decade ago. She has a book that she wants to give me. She had heard about my dad, and was sorry, although I'm not sure if that is what the book is about. But her email was filled with all of her negativity and guilt manipulation, just like she was the same person as she has been since 2nd grade. SSDD.
So, what to do with this info. Should I act like I didn't get the email? Should I respond? I emailed another friend of mine and talked to my sister. I decided to see if she wanted to meet for coffee on Monday. I emailed her and wasn't sure she would, but she wrote back that Monday works.
I never felt guilty about cutting her out of my life, but I did feel guilty about the way that I did it. I attacked her like a coward through a letter and we haven't spoke since. The last straw was a lot of money that she owes to day care for the care of her kids, but at the root, I just couldn't handle the pressure of the relationship anymore and I needed out.
After the "break up" I would anonymously send her flowers on her birthday because I felt guilty, but mostly I loved not having her in my life.
Since my dad died, I've been thinking of her a lot. Not regret, but more like a loose end. I'm not looking to resume the relationship. Maybe an email here and there. I apologized last night at the way I handled things, but I didn't apologize about the why I handled things.
I hope that I can get this finally off of my mind and move on. I think that I am strong enough to face her now. With all of the practice and strength I've gained from my boundaries with my MIL, I should be ok now.
Mostly I missed being able to call her up and say, "Hey, remember when we were 8 and such and such happened?" Or when we were 12, 16, 20 and such and such happened?"
Since Dad died, life is too short to have loose ends. Just because something used to be a certain icky way, doesn't mean I have to let it go there again, right?
It just all feels really weird.
4 comments:
I hope the meeting goes well and that you are able to keep those boundaries.
I have a friend in California, we have had so many fights... we didn't talk for a year once. But now we are older and think, "What we fought about is so silly." With her I reevaluated the situation, and the kind of person she had become when we talked again... we both had changed and matured. Today, she is one of my best friends.
We forgave each other, and came to realize that we are like sisters and fight like sisters too. :D
OH Karianne.. Baby is screeching for her lunch (and she is not a patient waiter) but I really must tell you about my lifelong best friend, who I miss -- but who was ripped from my life about 15 years ago quite suddenly due to a huge falling out. Wow, you weren't kidding when you said we have a lot in common. I think we've led almost parallel lives on so many levels. When I have time, I'll email and tell you all about her. But oh my goodness, it's so similar, and I know how much you miss that "I grew up with this person, she knows my ins and outs and all about me and there isn't another person on the planet who can know me better and I just miss her" type of feeling. But toxic is just that -- toxic. And I know how hard it is.
HUGS.
Lots of love,
Cath
PS: I love the apron! I want one!! lol
xoxoxo
Believe it or not, I'm going through a similar thing right now with an ex-friend, a toxic person that I thought was out of my life. Like you, I DO NOT regret putting her out of my life but I wish there had been a better way to go about it. I don't like feeling like I "threw someone away" and I really don't think I did that, considering all that she did but... there is still a twinge of something not right about it all. However, I do know for SURE that I do not want the "friendship" back. I'm 110% happy with her out of my life. She cannot and apparently will not accept that and continues to contact me but not out of concern, more out of nosiness and from an attitude of wanting her way. It is sad, really.
I say all of this to say that friendships end, people change and move on and it is a good quality to be able to rid your life of toxic people. It might not be easy but it is healthy. I'm glad you were able to. You are a wonderful and strong girl!
xo,
Karen Beth :)
P.S. Will email more later this weekend. I've got family in and have been a busy, busy. Hope you are having a good one!
Karianne, I had one of those "toxic" friends. She was actually the one who ended our relationship, telling me that I was a bad influence on her, and that she had been talking to other people about me, and they agreed.
Apparently they had all come to this decision after learning that I had gotten my second tattoo. It just snowballed from there...
If that is not a more apt way to describe how shallow someone is, I don't know what is...
It was like a weight had been lifted. Shortly after, I met the man who is now my husband, I finished school, and am much happier now. I miss the "Hey remember when we were ten?" calls, but I don't miss the lying, the gossip, and the verbal abuse that I went through.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Post a Comment